In Which Derrick Refuses to Watch Blade Runner for the Sixth Time

“Come on,” says Derrick. “This is ridiculous.” The look on his face is a cautious, like he’s really become quite afraid of the situation, but you press on regardless.

“This is ridiculous? You’re being ridiculous! Just drink it!” Your enthusiasm has lit up your face and made you mostly oblivious to the obvious danger of the whole thing. Derrick eyes the glass on the table, the blue liquid within. It’s becoming clear to you that his claim that he would “rather drink Draino than watch this fucking movie again” may have been colorful hyperbole, but you’ve never been one to let these things go.

“How do you not want to watch Blade Runner?” You had been calm and patient to start, but quickly realized that the time of reason was growing short. Six times in a week was too much, he had said, but you would have none of it.

So now, the Draino.

“I’m not doing it,” says Derrick, and this time you believe him, but the whole thing has gotten out of hand and you refuse to let this pass. You shout “fine!” and hammer the glass back, downing approximately a cup and a half of the stuff in one go.

Derrick’s eyes are wide, but you’re not worried. “Dude,” he says. “I don’t think that was a good idea.”

“Yeah, well,” you start, but you interrupt yourself, coughing up a thick syrup of blood and stomach lining. You can’t think of anything good to follow that, so you squint through the blood that’s started welling up in your eyes and try to maintain composure despite the retching.